The Importance of Motivation: Fourth in a Series

From the Inside-Out

I’ve written about this before on this blog, but it may well be worth repeating. For anyone who is seeking to learn more about their attractions to the same gender, or if they are having questions about their gender identity, the key factor for benefiting from any kind of counseling is their own motivation. If you go to counseling to appease someone else – a parent or guardian or someone else you look up to, or if you go because you want to be “normal,” or to find some kind of trick that will instantly make these feelings or desires or questions go away – you will likely not find counseling helpful.

Every reputable individual offering counseling – whether they are a professional counselor or spiritual leader – will know and understand this. It is a basic truth which applies to all kinds of therapy for all kinds of reasons – if an individual does not want to be there, counseling is not likely to succeed. We cannot force someone into making decisions about their spirituality or sexuality or gender, nor should we attempt to. A good counselor will ask someone about their motivations or reasons for coming to them and start there.

So what are some examples of good motivations? Curiosity – honestly wanting to learn more about yourself, what you’re experiencing, and how that relates to your faith. Or, perhaps if you already have a good understanding of your faith, wanting to learn about how to navigate life with these desires and feelings in a way that is consistent with your beliefs. Seeking contentment, peace, understanding, practical help for building good relationships with others – these are all excellent motivations.

From the Outside-In

Years ago I wrote to a network ministry organization about what outreach to young people who were struggling with same-gender attractions could look like. I suggested that counseling for parents who come with concerns about their children be mandatory, and optional for the youth. The reason was due to the primary importance of one’s own internal motivation in benefitting from any kind of counseling. It is far too common for parents to want to try to do something to get their child through or past this experience before their child really has a grasp of what it is they are experiencing. And parents will need support over the long haul in learning how to wrestle with their own temptations to control others, over their own fears and grief, and in coming to a place where they can love their child right where they are, instead of always pushing them to be someone they want them to be.

We cannot force someone to want to seek to reconcile their faith and their attractions or view of gender. Although God can give us the will to want to do so…we read about this in Ezekiel chapter 36, verses 25-27:

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your uncleanness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you, and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My ordinances and do them.”

It has always blown me away that the Lord will stoop so low as to move us to love Him and to follow Him. But He will do even this, and we can pray for ourselves and for those around us to be so moved by Him. Recently, I read an article by Francis Chan about his concern for his high school friend who did not know the Lord. Every time his friend would come to mind, Francis would pray for him.

Apart from God’s working, our begging someone to see the beauty of Christ is as pointless as begging a blind man to enjoy the beauty of a sunset. Do we direct our begging, first and foremost, to God?

Jesus tells us the parable about a persistent widow to remind us that we “ought always to pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1). There is tremendous power in perseverant prayer. God is not like us; he is not bothered by his children asking for the same thing over and over. He is pleased by the faith demonstrated when we pray and pray for someone to be saved.

When I love particular people deeply, it’s natural to persistently pray for them. I think it would actually require more effort to refrain from praying for them. My best friend in college decided that he didn’t want to follow Jesus. It broke my heart. Ken and I went our separate ways, and our lives went in opposite directions. I never stopped praying for him though — I couldn’t. Whenever Ken’s name would pop into my mind, prayer was my natural reflex.*

God can and does pull people to Him who are in the midst of living in same-gendered relationships in all kinds of circumstances…

A self-identified gay activist in a random conversation at a coffee shop.

A tenured Professor of English with a specialization in queer theory at Syracuse Univ., researching for her book critiquing the Religious Right who was invited to dinner at a pastor’s home.

A woman in a lesbian relationship while watching TV on her sofa at home.

A woman who identified as a lesbian playing softball on a church team.**

I know of examples of people whose lives were falling apart, caught up in alcohol or drug abuse or heartbroken after their same-gendered relationships had broken up – and of people whose lives seemed to have all come together in the gay relationship of their dreams, yet who felt empty inside. It doesn’t matter what your life is like…it’s possible for God to reach in and move you to leave everything behind as a result of the love of Christ.

We can walk alongside another person as they learn and make decisions about their own lives. We can be encouraging, supportive and loving, but we cannot make those decisions for them. External factors can impact our internal motivation – having someone willing to listen and be there with you in friendship and love can mean a great deal. Let us learn to reflexively pray and ask God to move our own hearts and the hearts of those around us toward Him.

 

* https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/no-soul-is-too-far-gone

** Respectively:

David Bennett: https://www.eternitynews.com.au/good-news/a-gay-rights-activist-leaves-his-old-life-behind/

Rosaria Butterfield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KbOAXxz77w

Jackie Hill Perry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=ZLAe_JBvVwg

Christine Sneeringer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPmeR28UfWY

 

About That Statistic…Second in a Series

“77,000 people are currently being held in conversion therapy nationwide”

What are they talking about? That was my question when I saw this slowly revealed across my computer screen…what in the world are they referring to, and where did they get this number?

For the sake of those who are unfamiliar with it, “conversion therapy” is the term often used to describe any effort to help those who have unwanted attractions to the same gender or who are questioning their gender identity to find assistance seeking a either a change in their attractions or contentment with not acting on those attractions, or resolution of their gender identity with their biological one. I will come back to this term, and the variety of meanings attached to it, in a later post.

I am interested in this subject because I have experienced same-gender attractions since childhood, and found counseling in a variety of settings along the way to be very helpful. I would like others to be able to receive the same kind of help if they would like it, and I try to communicate with others about what I’ve learned – both what was helpful and what was not – whenever I have the opportunity.

In this blog I’ve written a good deal about my experiences, and if you are new here, I’d like to recommend that you read through these posts in chronological order to find more background on this part of my life.

If you’re not new here, then you most likely already know that I’m fairly familiar with organizations offering counseling in this area across the country, as well as in several places around the world. And that is a great part of the reason why I was so alarmed in reading this particular statistic: “77,000 people are being held in conversion therapy nationwide.”

“77,000 people” – where is this number coming from?

“…being held in…” – what does this mean – are people being retained in some way?

I am not familiar with any such number of people being held anywhere in regards to seeking help with their sexuality or gender identity. So, soon after reading this, I started digging to learn more. The film’s website had no reference for this statistic or quote. I clicked on the link they provided to find out more information, and could not find a reference there, either. After a Google search, I finally came across a reference through a review of the film in Slate Magazine:

“It can feel like a straight filmmaker and his mostly straight leads parachuted in to decree this issue important, while they also collect a few golden statues along the way. This, too, may not really matter if Boy Erased reaches the right audience, but with its distributor declaring, not quite correctly, that ‘77,000 people are currently being held in conversion therapy across America’ in the film’s trailers, the commodified activism here can make you a little queasy.”[1]

In clicking through to the link provided in the text, I found myself on the page of The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law, where an article from Teen Vogue Magazine from earlier this was featured. In part it read:

“According to a new report from the Williams Institute, about 698,000 LGBTQ adults in the United States have received conversion therapy…An estimated 20,000 LGBTQ young people in states that don’t ban it will undergo conversion therapy from a licensed health care professional before they turn 18, and about 57,000 young people across all states will be subjected to conversion therapy from religious or spiritual advisers before age 18.”[2]

Apparently the “77,000” figure comes from the estimation that 20,000 young people will receive some kind of counseling from a licensed health care professional and 57,000 will receive some kind of counseling from a religious or spiritual advisor before they turn 18.

These numbers are estimations, not known figures and the implication that they are “being held” or retained or restrained is also unfounded in the report. The wording chosen is “subjected to” which implies that anyone under the age of 18 is being put through counseling without their consent. (I did read the report, and found numbers there were based on several other internal “unpublished reports” which used unknown methods to make these estimations, which I found frustrating to say the least.[3])

This leads me to a few areas of concern which I will expand upon in the next few posts:

1. Being responsible with statistics & numbers
2. The importance of motivation
3. Recognizing autonomy

[1] https://slate.com/culture/2018/11/boy-erased-review-movie-adaptation-gay-conversion-therapy.html

[2] https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/williams-in-the-news/new-report-shows-77000-young-lgbtq-people-will-subjected-conversion-therapy/

[3] https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Conversion-Therapy-LGBT-Youth-Jan-2018.pdf

 

“With great power comes great responsibility.” ~ Stan Lee

Some time last year, or maybe longer, I remember reading about a film that was being made. It was to have a stellar cast – Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe – and was being put together with the kind of professional production one would expect to come alongside such talent. I first heard about it through someone I’m connected to here on Facebook who was going to be portrayed in the movie. He was excited, of course, but also wondered about how he might be characterized. I remember adding my two cents – that often the story is turned to serve the arc of the film, and people and events can be misconstrued in order to create drama or humor or whatever is needed to make the scenes flow together well.

Fast forward to last week. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and this particular film came up. It was the note of concern in my friend’s voice that caused me to look into it further, and I was startled by what I learned…no wonder she was apprehensive.

“77,000 people are currently being held in conversion therapy nationwide”

This is featured at the end of the trailer for the movie “Boy Erased” on the film’s web site.

This statistic is not true.

Unfortunately, I found a number of other things that were not truthful in connection to this movie, which is based on a memoir written by Gerrard Conley with the same title. To be clear, I understand the common practice of taking license with a person’s story in this genre – changing the actual truth to portray an emotion needed to enhance the storyline within a two-hour window happens all the time. This is not the fault of the actors, nor Mr. Conley who wrote his original story, nor the real people portrayed in it – but a film, especially one such as this, leaves an impression, and can leave the wrong impression with a large number of people. With great power comes great responsibility.

This is the first of a series of posts on this film in which I will share what I’ve learned that concerned me, and I hope this will prove to be helpful for anyone who has an interest in learning more.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

The title of this post is a bit misleading – it actually should read more along the lines of “This is why we cannot have meaningful relationships and conversations.”

Earlier this week, singer Kim Burrell in a video, predicted that homosexuality and those “who play with it in God’s house will die in 2017.” She also spoke about “the perverted homosexual spirit” in her sermon. (She has since stated that her comments were taken out of the context of her message, and that she holds no hatred for gays or lesbians.) The comments made in her original video came to the attention of Ellen DeGeneres, who cancelled Kim Burrell’s upcoming scheduled appearance on her show.

And I don’t blame her (DeGeneres) for taking that step.

Once again, someone who is a follower of Christ was found to take homosexuality out of the greater context of Scripture and twist it into a something unrecognizable. Predicting the death of anyone in this or any other year is beyond the pay grade of any disciple of Jesus.

I believe that there are several reasons behind this type of thinking:

1. Bad teaching.
2. Resentment
3. A Lack of Discussion Regarding Sexuality in the Church

Let’s take a closer look at these…

1. Bad Teaching

At this point in the history of the church, there really is no excuse for this. There are more resources available than there have ever been. (You can find a list of some of them under the “Resources” tab of this blog.) For Kim Burrell to have said these things, it seems that she has spent little time in understanding how homosexuality is addressed in Scripture, and how God works in the lives of those who have experienced same-sex attractions, or any other sin for that matter.

Singer and songwriter Keith Green once said, “This generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of souls on the earth!” We have a responsibility to learn about the issues our culture is concerned with today in order to reach the souls of those around us with the Gospel.

2. Resentment

Sometimes it seems as though Christians speak out recklessly in regards to homosexuality in particular because of a resentment of the wider cultural acceptance of those who identify as gay or lesbian. It is as if lashing out with words you would never hear applied to any other sin is done in a terribly misguided effort to take back ground in some way.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this blog, I’m thankful that people are able to be more open about their same-sex attractions in our culture – I don’t want to go back to where we were. It is good for people to be able to walk down the street without being afraid of getting beat up. It’s good for people to be able to go about their days at work or running errands on eating meals with friends without harassment. It was not a good thing to treat homosexuality as a cultural taboo.

Christians always walk in two worlds – we live here on earth as citizens of another Kingdom. It makes no sense to waste time railing against our status as expatriates. This world is not our home, and we have the privilege of showing those around us what it is like to live a life of freedom and love in Christ. When others see His love in us, they will want to join in the call to know and glorify God.

3. A Lack of Discussion Regarding Sexuality in the Church

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6

Kim Burrell lost her opportunity to meet Ellen DeGeneres, to appear on her show, and to have any kind of conversation or build any kind of relationship with her because she chose to pick out homosexuality as a sin deserving some kind of special punishment from God. Her theology was wrong, and it will take some time and effort to ever have that kind of opportunity come her way again (if ever.)

Without discussions about sexuality – whether about homosexuality or heterosexuality – within the church, room is created for bad teaching and resentment to build, instead of wisdom and contentment in Christ. Too often people are afraid to bring up the subject in a Sunday School class or Bible study, and their conversations end up being seasoned with flamethrowers instead of salt.

Salt is known to be one of the basic human tastes. (The others are sweet, bitter, sour and savory.) According to Wikipedia:

“As taste senses both harmful and beneficial things, all basic tastes are classified as either aversive or appetitive, depending upon the effect the things they sense have on our bodies. Sweetness helps to identify energy-rich foods, while bitterness serves as a warning sign of poisons.

According to Lindemann, both salt and sour taste mechanisms detect, in different ways, the presence of sodium chloride (salt) in the mouth, however, acids are also detected and perceived as sour.

The detection of salt is important to many organisms, but specifically mammals, as it serves a critical role in ion and water homeostasis in the body. Because of this, salt elicits a pleasant taste in most humans.

Sour and salt tastes can be pleasant in small quantities, but in larger quantities become more and more unpleasant to taste.”*

I’ve made the mistake of adding too much salt in recipes, and the results were inedible. When we fail to use wisdom and discernment in our conversations, we make relationships with people who don’t know Jesus unpalatable. (Now, of course, we know that some people may find the message of the Gospel hard to digest – but that is not what is happening in this example with Kim Burrell.) We need to spend time learning within our fellowship groups how to address questions surrounding sexuality in a Biblically sound and compassionate way. I believe that Kim’s words would have been different if she had spoken to other mature Christians first.

Here are some suggestions:

Invest some time in learning more about what the Lord has to say about our sexuality in general, as well as about homosexuality. (Again some excellent resources are listed on the Resources tab of this blog.)

Spend some time listening to those who have experienced same-sex attractions. Ask questions just to gain insight into the perspective of other people.

Find other Christians who are interested in learning more about how to reach out to people around them who are involved in the LGBT community, and talk about your concerns and questions. Invite someone to come speak to your small group on the topic, and ask your church staff for more teaching to be made available so you can ask your questions within the Body of Christ.

There are ways to speak about sexuality without alienating people – and those conversations are best when they are earned. We need to be involved in serving everyone around us, and being ready to give thoughtful (not bland), graceful answers when opportunities do arise. Here is one example that I thought was very good – you may recall that there was an article raising a controversy about Chip and Joanna Gaines late last year, where it was noted that they attend a church in which the pastor has addressed homosexuality as a sin. Just this week, Chip has posted the following response on his blog…it is well worth taking your time to read:

https://magnoliamarket.com/chips-new-years-revelation/

Instead of decrying the state of being attacked and misunderstood, Chip Gaines has asked us all to raise the level of the conversation. He asks us to be considerate of one another and give one another breathing room. It is possible to lovingly disagree and work alongside each other in a community. Let us look for opportunities to do that in this new year.

 

 

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taste#Basic_tastes

Trusting Love

Here is yet another great post by Jean C. Lloyd, PhD shared on Public Discourse.

My Same-Sex Attraction and My Brother’s Disease: On Suffering and Serenity

As Many as the Stars in the Sky…

When people ask me, “What is the cause of homosexuality,” I’ll tell them that the “causes” are as numerous as the stars in the sky.  Every person is different, and sexual orientation is a complex thing.  There is no one “gay gene,” and the jury is still out on early hormonal influences.  No one has been able to eliminate the variety of life experiences that can also contribute to the mix.

So it’s good to learn about the backgrounds of others who have gotten involved in homosexuality, at the least to remind us that people are not easily stuffed into little boxes.  Thankfully God isn’t either – and He knows each one of us as well as He does each star in the sky.  There are a variety of ways into same-sex attractions and actions, and the Lord has made a way out for each person.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

Here is one more story of a woman who found her way out through Christ, Jackie Hill-Perry.  It is great to see how the Lord led her out of fear and into trust:

http://9marks.org/article/from-lesbianism-to-complementarianism/

Another Perspective on Gender Identity

I really appreciated reading Jean Lloyd’s perspective on gender identity.

 http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14388/

She shares her own experience in the ’80’s and compares it to what teens typically experience today.

Another Perspective on Gender Identity

I appreciated the perspective shared in this blog post:  http://lindsayleighbentley.com/2014/06/30/i-am-ryland-the-story-of-a-male-identifying-little-girl-who-didnt-transition/

Approachability

Same Outfit, Different Appearance

Earlier in this series on Gender Identity, I wrote: “For quite some time, people couldn’t tell if I was a boy or a girl, and now, even on days when I’m wearing the exact same clothes that I was then, no one questions that I’m a woman. How did I get here from there?”* I would like to explore that phenomenon a bit in this post. Why is it that I can wear the exact same clothes I that I had worn years ago, and yet there are no longer any questions about my gender?

Of course there are some easy cues – my hair is longer, and I wear earrings. However, from some angles you can’t tell what the length of my hair is, as I’m often wearing a hat with a ponytail. And usually my earrings are small and not noticeable. Even from a distance, people can consistently tell that I’m a woman although I might be wearing hiking clothes or some other tomboyish outfit. I suspect that this is due to a factor that is hard to describe in one word. I think it’s because I carry a different air or atmosphere – an attitude or mindset – about me that goes deeper than perfume.

Approachability

The way that I used to carry myself – my posture, eye contact (or the lack thereof), mannerisms, conversation (tone of voice along with my choice of words), was not welcoming to men. I was guarded, wary, and easily triggered. Often, I was a living image of the Heisman Trophy – one arm extended, the other carefully cradling the football. At the same time, I would wonder why men were not asking me out, or taking the time to get to know me better. Well, who would want to crawl over and through all that barbed wire, landmines, moats and traps? It takes courage to ask someone out, and I had put up many layers that were getting in the way.

I thought I was brave, yet in reality I was fearful. I didn’t want to take risks, I wanted guarantees. I assumed that the “right guy” would be the one to prove he could see through my defenses and find the real me. It took a long time for me to see that my defenses were over-the-top, and that I could trust the Lord to be my Shield, my Shepard – He would have my back. When I leaned more on Jesus and became more open, (which took years), it made a great difference.

Approachability is not the same as attractiveness. One can be approachable, yet not attractive. And one can be quite attractive, yet not approachable.

Karl Bonhoeffer, the father of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, once described first meeting Paula von Hase at at meeting at the house of physicist Oscar Meyer:

“There I met a young, fair, blue-eyed girl whose bearing was so free and natural, and whose expression was so open and confident, that as soon as she entered the room she took me captive. This moment when I first laid eyes upon my future wife remains in my memory with an almost mystical force.”

~ Eric Metaxas, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy

In reading this, there is very little description of Paula von Hase’s appearance – we read that she was “fair” with “blue eyes.” I’m pretty sure that would accurately describe a good number of women across Germany. Yet we do get a good impression of how approachable Paula von Hase was to Karl Bonhoeffer – her “bearing” and “expression” were captivating. She was “free and natural…open and confident.” Much different than the closed and cautious air I was exhibiting for many years.

[As an aside: Karl Bonhoeffer’s reaction also reminds me of what Alice Von Hildebrand said about what the response of a man to a woman and vice verse is:

“…the proper response of a man to a woman is enchantment, and that of a woman, ‘when seeing a man worthy of being called a man’ is admiration.”

(See the last post on this blog: https://sswh.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/inside-the-outside/) His first impression lasted through many trials. Their marriage by all accounts was happy and lasted through WWII and the loss of several children and other family members who fought against the Nazi regime.]

On the flip side, someone can be quite attractive and yet be intimidating or carry a cold shoulder. Google, “intimidating” and choose images. You’ll see a good variety of examples – I found it telling that what came up in this search were mostly faces rather than animals or objects.

I think that approachableness is a combination of several things – I’d like to focus on two that I’ve not already covered in other posts on this blog: Actions and Mindset.

Actions

Sometimes subtle, sometimes not – I liked the definition of the term, “bearing” that Karl Bonhoeffer used in the quote above. This is from the Apple dictionary:

bearing |ˈbe(ə)riNG|

noun

1 [ in sing. ] a person’s way of standing or moving: a man of precise military bearing.

• the way one behaves or conducts oneself: she has the bearing of a First Lady.

For me, it was easy to read my posture as a huge “back away” billboard, as I used how I moved and rested to physically create space for myself and to put men in particular off. Again, some of this was comical, as during this time I was close to 100 lbs. and under 5 and a half feet tall. At one single’s group, I would carry a book bag with my Bible and note pad in it. I choose a folding chair early and grabbed the one next to it to set in front of me, using it as a desk for my Bible. My feet would rest on the legs of the chair in front, and I was “dug in” to listen and learn. Very attentive, but not very inviting for anyone else to sit next to me and start a conversation.

Think about how you might set yourself up with a book and/or headphones or a pillow and blanket on a plane for a long flight when you hoped to get some quiet rest. That was me in almost any social situation. Looking back now, I realize that I would accessorize for disassociation, distance, and defense. At the time I wasn’t conscious about it.

After starting to put the pieces together, one day I prayed that one of the men in the singles group would sit down next to me. I used a tote bag instead of the backpack, and didn’t spin a seat around to use as a desk. I took time to chat with people in the group, and then simply sat down. I remember feeling rather vulnerable, as silly as that may seem. Within a minute, though, one of the guys in the group – actually the tallest and one of the nicest fellows there – strode across the room and said out loud for all to hear, “Well, I’m going to sit down here next to Dee!” He said it in a tone that implied that everyone else was giving him the cold shoulder, and he felt that the only welcoming place in the room was there next to me.

It was as though the Lord was going out of His way to make sure that I understood that He had heard and was answering my prayer. (And that cracked me up.) My billboard that had read “go way” had turned completely around into, “Howdy! Why not stop and sit a spell?” That was a turn for the better!

Mindset

Even with an attractive appearance and welcoming posture, one can easily exhibit a closed off mindset. My conversation usually revealed a tendency to shut down around men, while being open towards women. I would use harsh, cutting jokes to insult men, and used sarcasm as an offensive and defensive weapon. Again, I was frustrated for years that none of the men around me were making an effort to take the time to get to know the real me. I now see that I had set up terrible obstacles for them to maneuver before they could have a chance to be my friend. It was not fair, and unrealistic to expect of any man.

During a counseling session on this topic, I was challenged to look for opportunities to compliment the men around me. Any man – not just the fellows I was hoping to get to know better in my singles group. I had become so tuned out to men that it was hard! I had never thought of this before, and I’m sorry to say that my mind drew a blank at first. It was a huge blind spot in my life, and obviously needed quite a bit of work.

Fortunately I worked in a field with plenty of opportunities to encourage people. In my sessions with male clients, instead of going for a sarcastic one-liner, I would look for ways to sincerely compliment whatever aspect of the fellow’s character that stood out as they worked to meet their goals. I still kept my ironic sense of humor, which many men would warm up to, but I made an effort to look at the men differently, and to think deeper about what it was that I admired in them. Some were concerned about being able to provide for their families, or how to spend quality time playing with their kids who were too young to understand their injuries. Some showed tremendous resiliency after being in accidents that completely turned the course of their lives around. Some were standing up for injustices in the community around them, others cared for their wives with a deep, sacrificial love that I didn’t know could exist outside of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

And the Lord gently and lavishly encouraged me along the way.

Be more attractive!

Well-meaning women often gave me shallow advice, at times in an attempt to make themselves more comfortable by associating with people who looked and acted just like them. I would hear things like: “Make an effort – try some makeup – put on a dress – wear some perfume” etc. But those suggestions were like telling someone with anorexia to eat more – not hitting the mark by a long shot.

Over the years I learned more about the deeper changes that truly make one more attractive – how to create an open and welcoming space around myself, and how to drop the chip on my shoulder and instead carry an air that a new acquaintance described as “imaginative” and “fun-loving.” Life is better this way – the energy that used to go into keeping my guard up can now be channeled into listening and learning more about other people.

One day on my way into work after getting my hair cut and styled, I complained to the Lord that I was tired of women always noticing and complimenting a new hairdo, and never hearing a compliment from a guy. So, I asked Him to have a guy notice and say something nice about my hair for a change.

Later that afternoon while working with a fellow, in the middle of his exercise routine he said, “I like your new haircut. My wife wears her hair that way.” Another direct answer to prayer. And not only was he complimenting me, he also complimented his wife, and set what he said in the right context of respecting his relationship with her. It was humbling to see God working so directly.

Years later, the same client came in. He had a surgical procedure done that had caused him to temporarily lose his voice, and came in with his wife, who was a pleasure to meet. They had come through a scary medical situation, and I was very glad to see he was on the mend. As he was working on an exercise machine that I was using to test his endurance, he waved me over. “I like your hair,” he mouthed, and shot me a grin, with his wife smiling beside him. I thanked him and had to turn away quickly as tears came to my eyes. It was such a joy to see how they had been sustained through this tough time, and how the Lord also was reminding me of His sustaining love and care for me. He is the God who hears and answers prayer.

 

In this series I hope that I’ve been able to shed a bit of light on some of the complex underlying issues that were a part of my own experiences with and expressions of gender identity, and some of the multiple things that came together that made a difference. If you’ve been reading these articles through I hope that you will think about getting to know a person beyond whatever their appearance may be, and then you might have the opportunity to find out what their appearance means to them. Jesus always looks at us from the inside out – getting closer to Him helps me to see people the way He does. Getting closer to Him means spending time with Him in prayer, in worship, in reading His word, and serving others. When we invest in our relationship with Christ, we’ll be much better equipped to invest in living alongside and loving others.

* https://sswh.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/gender-identity-iii/

Inside the Outside

“I write to discover what I know.”

~ Flannery O’Conner

 

Body Image

We were warming up before practice, and I was in the layup line…”Catch the ball, dribble with two steps and shoot….Good!” I swung around under the basket to catch my teammate’s shot and tossed it back over to the next girl in line.

“Hey! Come over here!”

“Sure coach.”

“Your form is good…your aim is fine…but…why are you taking off for your layup at the top of the key?”

“Uh, um, uh…”

“Yeah – try dribbling a bit closer to the basket next time – take off at one of the last hashmarks. Got it?”

“Yeah – sure coach.”

I didn’t have the nerve to tell her that the reason why I was taking off at the top of the key was because I thought I was Dr. J….I thought I could fly.

Body image – it is the way that one thinks about / sees one’s own body. For many years, mine was a bit off. I didn’t look a lick like Dr. J., but I just went off into pilot mode on the basketball court, and, as my coach noticed, it looked rather comical. Earlier in life, it was my dream to be the first female pitcher in the majors…and then I stopped growing. Obviously, my body image was quite tied up with my love of sports. When someone mistook me for a boy, I would think it was so cool because I took it as a compliment to my fine soccer skills. The fact that I was simply standing still at an airport or restaurant with no reference to my participation in any athletic activity somehow escaped my pre-teen mind.

I also liked to wear clothing that was large – I would wear things in a size 8 or 10, when in reality, I was a petite size 4. Many women would kill to be in a petite size 4. It never even dawned on me to try shopping in the petite section until about five years after I’d finished graduate school – I’d always thought that those clothes were for girls far smaller than I was.

Envy / Admiration

“Well the other side of the world

Is not so far away as I thought that it was

As I thought that it was so far away”

~ Rich Mullins, The Other Side of the World

Along with this inaccurate image of my own body came matters of personal style and taste. Basically, I loved men’s clothes, and couldn’t stand women’s…I had a very hard time finding things to suit my preference in the girl’s department. No frills, lace or glittery fabric, no pink, no low collars, sleeves had to be wide enough to cover a bra strap, and I couldn’t bear wearing dresses, hose or shoes with heels. It drove my mother up the wall, and as she was the one buying my clothes, I had to search to find things that passed her own style and taste tests. Shopping for clothes was always a hassle.

I would find myself longingly going over the latest L.L. Bean offerings – wishing I could get into the flannels, chamois, heather sweaters and vests the men were wearing by beautiful mountains and rivers, and flipping past the weak pink-checked patterns in the women’s section of their catalogs.

Earlier this year, I came across this quote by Jeanette Howard on her blog:

In order to address my Gender Dysphoria I had to, irrespective of how I felt, create a framework based on what God says such as God chose me to be female and He says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139). By creating a framework of truth and choosing to remain in that structure I could address my false beliefs and broken responses. This painful process has taken years and even now I can find myself envying a fit male body rather than appreciating it or being attracted to it.

~ Jeanette Howard http://bethanylifeministries.org.uk/50-shades-gender-identity-part-2/

That last sentence jumped out at me – “…envying a fit male body rather than appreciating it or being attracted to it.” That was my mindset for many, many years. About a month ago I was watching a video of Alice Von Hildebrand* being interviewed by Eric Metaxas, as she was talking about men and women. At one point she said that the proper response of a man to a woman is enchantment, and that of a woman, “when seeing a man worthy of being called a man” is admiration. (Video link is at the end of this post.**)

When I heard that, the thought struck me – how there is such a subtle difference between envy of men and that potentially God-driven, femininely instinctive admiration of them. That is a much more subtle line to be crossed than the large gap which I used to feel existed between my reactions to men and the reactions of ever-straight / gender-identity conforming women around me to the men they knew. I was envious of the strength and freedom that I thought masculinity had cornered the market on.

I had not as yet discovered the strength that exists in mercy (see this described in my post on this blog entitled “Gender Identity III”***). I was taking a narrow-minded view of what it meant to be a woman – that girlishness was weakness – and applied that to who I saw in the mirror, and that carried over into my choice of clothing.

Clothes

Tirian suddenly felt awkward about coming among these people with the blood and dust and sweat of battle still on him. Next moment he realized that he was not in that state at all. He was fresh and cool and clean, and dressed in such clothes as he would have worn for a great feast at Cir Paravel. (But in Narnia your good clothes were never your uncomfortable ones. They knew how to make things that felt beautiful as well as looking good in Narnia: and there was no such thing as starch or flannel or elastic to be found from one end of the country to the other.)

~ C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

Reading this paragraph reminds me of how well Lewis remembered his youth, and was able to take those memories and deftly weave them into his series of children’s books. It also seems like a bit of heaven – to have your “good clothes” feel as beautiful as they look. (I’ve found that to be a great measure of quality now when I’m trying something on – if I’m tugging, scratching, or compromising my posture in order to feel comfortable in it in a dressing room, it goes back on the rack.)

I started this post with a quote by Flannery O’Conner: “I write to discover what I know.” And that is certainly true in this attempt to look back on why and how I changed my personal dress code. It’s been hard to piece together exactly what I was thinking when – I’m mostly sorting through impressions, with a few specific memories. Again, I’d like to emphasize that these posts are more reflective than any type of attempt to be instructive. There was a lot of internal work that the Lord was subtly doing in my life which no one could see, and some of which I can only trace by looking back over the years.

Returning to clothing – I had been thinking through all the musings that were mentioned in the first three posts in this series on Gender Identity, and at some point things came together and started making sense. I remember one day getting ready for church – I knew the sermon was going to be on Ephesians 5:21-33, and I was preparing for what I thought was going to be a condescending teaching towards women. I put on a blazer (with huge shoulder pads), and also consciously recognized the attitude of defensiveness that I put on with it. I shrugged off the sense that something was askew, and carried my tough-girl mindset all the way to the service.

But the sermon that day wasn’t in any way condescending. It was the best treatment of the passage I’d ever heard. Our pastor truly had a servant’s heart, and loved his wife dearly. I learned more about how a man who is enchanted by the woman he cares about thinks and acts. As I remembered my mindset when I’d put on my blazer that morning, I realized it was totally unnecessary – there was nothing here to fight or defend myself against. The real, true love that the Lord has for me was breaking through, and I found it was a good and solid place to stand.

So I started paying attention to the attitude I was carrying when I wore certain clothes – and started phasing them out of my wardrobe, because I didn’t need them anymore.

Eventually I started to see (I can’t remember exactly how) that I was a petite young lady, and the clothes in smaller sizes actually fit me. This led me to look around at my friends who were the same size and make comparisons – in a good way.

I was actually in the REI store in Atlanta one day and saw a cute skirt and vest on display. I thought, “Hey, that outfit would look great on my friend, E.” And I breezed on past to the camping gear. About 20 steps later it hit me – and I turned back to the display to check out my new hypothesis – “You know, E. is about the same height and weight that I am, and that outfit might actually look OK on me.”

I tried it on, and I thought it looked right smart. I walked out of there with several hundred dollars worth of new clothes – mostly items I would never had dreamed of even trying on before that day. (For those who don’t know, REI stands for “Recreational Equipment Inc.” – it’s very much like L.L. Bean. Outdoor retailers had finally caught up with the fact that women enjoy hiking, biking, kayaking, climbing and such, and most brands had a good selection of women’s clothing at that point. It was an accessible place for me to shop!)

So having the right image of my actual shape and size, and some friends around me who dressed in a sporty-feminine way, made a big difference. I couldn’t find any famous fashion icons whom I could follow, so I created my own style – I called it “Semi-Fru” – not “Fru-Fru,” nor “Un-Fru,” but somewhere in between. I tried new things – usually a few years behind whatever had been trendy, but it took time for me to get my courage up, and to see myself in a new way. I looked for classic pieces that I could mix and match with other things – suddenly, shopping became more fun. I still did not go for frills, lace, glitter, or pink, and to this day won’t wear anything higher than a kitten heel. But it was an adventure finding things that fit my new mindset.

Colors

One other thing that made a difference for me in choosing clothing was learning about what colors worked for my skin tone. I didn’t learn about this until after I had spent that huge amount on clothes at the REI, that were actually not in the best shades for me. (Argh!)

For some time it was hard for me to get what people were talking about. “ having your colors done” was all the buzz for a while, and I didn’t know what they meant. At some point I stumbled across this web site, and it really helped me make sense of it all:

http://www.truth-is-beauty.com/

I remembered getting compliments while wearing clothes with “jewel tones” – a royal blue shirt, or emerald green sweater – regardless of the style, it was a “that color looks good on you” scenario. Looking at the photos of various familiar famous faces on this web site and comparing the written notes to the colors of their skin tones was a great help. (They also have a great FAQ page: http://www.truth-is-beauty.com/faq.html.)

Now, when I’m looking through catalogs I gravitate towards the women’s clothing, thinking through what colors would work best on me, and what looks most comfortable and what fabrics are easiest to care for. I don’t always stick by the “jewel tones” rule, if there is something that looks fun and feels great when I put it on, I’ll get it, even if it’s not the best shade. I’m no longer a petite 4, by any means, but I don’t wear things several sizes too large any more. It’s also been very helpful to have some friends who are twin sisters in the same size I am share their hand-me-downs! They have different styles – one I would say is more sporty and the other more urban. It’s given me a chance to experiment with some great things (i.e. – a beautiful short-sleeved angora sweater and a kickin’ pair of patterned capris) for free.

A few years ago I was in a women’s bicycling club that would get together once or twice a year for a “clothing swap.” It was a fantastic idea – we were all into a variety of sports, and had pieces of performance wear or just plain shirts or jeans that we wanted to rotate out of our closets. So we gathered at someone’s home and laid everything out for the rest of the group to sort through and try on. It was a blast! Everyone was looking out for one another – someone would pick up a shirt and catch the attention of another girl across the room, “Hey, J. – this looks like it would be perfect on you!” I snagged a couple of things for friends who I knew were smaller than me who would get a lot of use out of them. One girl in particular, R., for some reason was able to fit into every pair of jeans she tried on – and they looked great. By the time the night was over she took home 12 pairs. We all hated her. (Just kidding! It was really funny that she hit the “jeans jackpot.”)

It was another fun way to have a clothing adventure. And such a healthy atmosphere for women who wanted to see someone else enjoying what they were wearing. Some of my favorite pieces that I have now came from those swaps.

I hope that some of these reflections and thoughts will spur you on to pray and think through your own clothing adventures!

*http://www.socratesinthecity.com/speakers/alice-von-hildebrand

**https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKFvvufS8lo&feature=em-subs_digest

*** https://sswh.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/gender-identity-iii/