This post by Matt Moore was timely in the wake of Kim Burrell’s statements earlier this week. Matt shares his thoughts on feeling that homosexuality was somehow different than any other sin, and how that mindset can undermine the potential for growth in one’s relationship to Jesus:
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10 Truths
Matt Moore writes an encouraging post on his blog, sharing 10 truths that those struggling with same-sex attraction would do well to keep in mind:
http://www.moorematt.org/10-empowering-truths-for-the-same-sex-attracted-christian/
These truths actually apply to anyone struggling with chronic temptations, so feel free to pass his post along!
A Good Word from Across the Sea
We all know that just about anything spoken in English sounds better when spoken with a British accent. Especially when it’s a good word from a brother in Christ. Actually quite a few good words.
Living Out is an outreach listed on the resources tab, and I’ve appreciated the work that they are doing across the sea. Here is a talk worth listening to:
There and Back Again
Joe Dallas in a radio series on Homosexuality and the Bible – great teaching from a man who became a Christian during the Jesus movement, then left to embrace homosexuality and teach in a pro-gay church, and returned again to repentance and a new life in Christ.
What is Reparative Therapy?
There is a great deal of misunderstanding of what Reparative Therapy is. For some, it means any attempt to counsel someone who is seeking a path away from same-sex attraction, whether that may lead to celibacy or a change in orientation with the potential for marriage. Others understand that it is actually a specific theory of the causation of homosexuality and a way to repair what is thought to be a mis-directed drive of sexual attraction.
The following is an article that gives a good description of this particular type of counseling:
http://www.biblicalcounseling.com/blog/what-wrong-with-reparative-therapy
As you can read elsewhere on my blog, (https://sswh.wordpress.com/2013/10/18/elements-of-change-solid-counseling-part-1/ & https://sswh.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/elements-of-change-solid-counseling-part-2/), I am thankful that in the counseling I received, there was not an attempt to pigeon-hole me into one particular type of counseling theory. I agree with Heath Lambert when he points out that not everyone’s life fits into the model that RT uses.
Someone recently asked me what I thought was the “cause” of homosexuality. There may be genetic and hormonal influences, but none which are definitive. (See the research which has been done on the sexual orientation of identical twins, as one example.) And there are influences in our environment, and none of those are definitive, either. (Not everyone who has been through sexual abuse as a child goes on to have same-sex attractions, for example.)
I believe that our sexuality and our sexual orientation is complex, and currently remains a mystery. In answer to the question of what is the “cause” of homosexuality, my reply is to point to the stars, and say that the factors are as numerous as they are.
I do find that Mr. Lambert’s critique falls short in that it is not too difficult to apply Biblical principals to the track that RT takes. I am glad that he does remember to mention that RT may well be helpful for some who have had the kind of upbringing that fits into this particular model.
There has been a movement to make any type of counseling for those seeking to leave homosexuality behind illegal. That is such an absurd idea to me – until I remember that so many people have bought into the line of thought that this kind of counseling is always damaging to individuals with same-sex attractions. This is part of the reason why it is important for those of us who have experienced a fluidity in our orientation – who have noted significant, sustainable change – to speak up and let our stories be known.
It Just So Happens…
I had a meeting earlier this week with the pastoral staff at my local church to share with them a little of my story of seeking and finding change in my orientation through Christ. I gave them a list of resources in hopes that they will pray and think through issues regarding sexuality a little more deeply, and hopefully open up avenues of ministry within our church.
It just so happens that several people behind the resources I’d listed were together on a panel this week at a conference just a few hours north of us – actually I believe this panel was occurring while I was speaking with my pastors! Some of the same questions came up in each of these discussions. I really enjoyed hearing the thoughtful responses of each person on this panel. Hope you will, too!
More Food For Thought From Dr. Rosaria Butterfield
Excellent article – worth your thoughtful reading: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2014/02/14/you-are-whatand-howyou-read/?comments#comments#comment-119985
And I appreciate Julie Roger’s follow-up on Dr. Butterfield’s presentation at Wheaton: http://julierodgers.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/rosaria-butterfield-and-the-space-for-more-stories/comment-page-1/#comment-4751
Unintended Change in Sexual Orientation
I mentioned briefly in the comments section after this post on my blog It Doesn’t Matter Who You Love – Part II , that, while there are some people who seek change in their sexual orientation and find it, and some do not, there are also examples of some who do not seek change and find it. The examples I had in mind of the latter included two case studies, one documented in 1976, the other in 1993.
The first was a case of a man who sought treatment for stuttering:
“A case report is presented where homosexuality apparently ‘spontaneously remitted’…while the patient underwent treatment for stuttering. The change in sexual orientation [was]…possibly…induced through generalization effects from treatment of the relevant phobic aspects of the stuttering problem to the associated social aspects of the sexual problem.”*
The second was a gentleman who asked for help with significant social phobia:
A twenty-three year old man sought help for issues with shyness, and anxiety in relating to others. “He avoided speaking in groups and was prone to extreme blushing and anxiety, which he often controlled with alcohol.”**
The man, according to the case study, “stated that he was ‘gay,’ that he was content with this, and that he did not want his sexual orientation to be a treatment issue. He had been aware of his homosexuality since his mid-teens and was sexually active exclusively with homosexual males. He was not aroused by females, and had never experience heterosexual intercourse, as his erotic fantasies involved males only.”***
He was placed on 75 mg. / daily of phenelzine. Four weeks later he became:**
“…more outgoing, talkative and comfortable in social situations. He spoke spontaneously in groups without blushing.”***
But he also:
“…reported a positive, pleasurable experience of meeting and dating a woman. During the next two months, he began dating females exclusively, reportedly enjoying heterosexual intercourse and having no sexual interest in males. He expressed a desire for a wife and family, and his sexual fantasies became entirely heterosexual.”***
“In retrospect Mr. A decided that the combination of his anxiety when approaching and meeting people, the teasing rejection by heterosexual males [which he had reported in childhood] and the comfortable acceptance by homosexual males who pursued and courted him had helped convince him of his homosexuality. Passive homosexual behavior allowed him to avoid the severe anxiety experience when initiating courtship.”***
Before the red flags start flying, please read the following:
“It is important not to overvalue individual case studies. Although they open up a line of speculation consistent with other observations about homosexuality, the vast majority of homosexual men who use antidepressants for depression or anxiety disorders do not change their sexual behavior. Instances such as these also suggest – as noted earlier – that there may be many different ‘homosexualities.’…These findings should not be taken to mean that men and women who want to leave homosexuality should immediately begin taking medication.”**
As a PT, I certainly understand the proper place of case studies. They are a means of educating one to what is often noted to be a unique occurrence, and serve to spur on further research and investigation, rather than to make a definitive case. In light of the current political and cultural atmosphere in the US, I believe it is imperative to keep an open mind to the complexities of human sexuality. I very much agree that there may well be “many different ‘homosexualities,’” and a one-size fits all approach is not appropriate for those who may be seeking change in their orientation…or, as in these particular cases noted above, even for those who are not.
I post these examples here in an attempt to remind people that human sexuality is complex, and we don’t have all the answers – the case is not closed, and “once gay, always gay” does not hold true for everyone. There are many possibilities, and it’s important not to paint oneself into a corner.
*J.E. Porter, “Homosexuality Treated Adventitiously in a Stuttering Therapy Program: A Case Report Presenting a Heterophobic Orientation,” Australia and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry 10, no. 2 (1976), pp. 185-89.
**Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, pg 189-192, Hamewith Books, pub 1996
***D.H. Golwyn and C.P. Sevlie, “Adventitious Change in Homosexual Behavior During Treatment of Social Phobia with Phenelzine,” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 54, no1.(January 1993), pp.39-40.
Elements of Change – Solid Counseling – Part 2
After going to the support group at Harvest USA, I continued on with my studies in Philly, and then moved to Georgia after graduation. There were years where I applied what I’d learned at Harvest, and got involved in a great church, met wonderful friends, and experienced a lot of growth in how I saw myself and in how I related to other women. But then I came to a point where I felt “stuck.” In reading over and listening to the stories of others who were seeking change in their sexual orientation, I heard people referring to, “the ex-gay plateau.” It seemed that I wasn’t the only one who had gotten this far, only to feel bogged down and a bit lost as to what to do or where to go from here.
So, I’d come to a point where I was relating differently to women, but I wasn’t really interested in men, nor did I have a clue as to how to get there. (As mentioned in the previous post, I suspect that only being able to go to the support group for a limited time set me back a pace in this area, but I’ve no way to know for sure if that would have made a difference or not.) For many people, this is a comfortable place to hang out – past the pain of letting go of so much, yet not having to risk getting your heart crushed in new kinds of relationships with men. But I came to a point where I felt as though I was merely existing in a “neutral zone”, rather than living out all that the Lord had for me. I didn’t see the point in trying to drum up desires for men that were not there on my own…and decided to try some 1:1 counseling.
I met with a male Christian counselor. He was able to understand and worked well with me through many questions and creative activities. At one point, he challenged me to come up with my own “man poll” – asking a group of male friends questions that I had rambling in the back of my mind. It was a lot of fun to put together and I learned a great deal. I can’t say that we came to any breakthrough moments, but I started to see that there was a way off the plateau, and it did involve taking some uncomfortable steps and risks.
Over the next few years I continued to press forward, and at times took several steps back. My next round of counseling was to help me deal with and face the fact that I had been heading backwards. I met with a great counselor, again a Christian man, who didn’t mince words with me, which is what I needed at the time. He was able to help me return to a place where I was being honest before the Lord, with myself, and with those around me. And I saw the ways in which I was sabotaging myself, and the reasons why. Fear of the unknown was holding me back – it seemed, and at the time it was, easier to give up and go with the status quo ante.
In looking back, I can see how if someone had taken that same type of approach with me early on, it wouldn’t have worked well. But this counselor could discern where I had been and where I was when we met – there wasn’t a need to create the same kind of atmosphere. I wasn’t fragile, I’d gained a good bit of knowledge – I needed to face facts and gather courage. There is a time for prodding – for checks and correction, and encouragement.
The words of the wise prod us to live well.
They’re like nails hammered home, holding life together.
They are given by God, the one Shepherd.
Eccl. 12:11
There were three occasions when I came across counseling that did not work well. The first was due to me not being able to be open and honest about what I was going through. I tried to meet with a counselor to get help with my SSA, but I did not have the courage to make it clear to her what was going on. (This was before I went to Harvest USA.) The second was due I think to a personality clash. The counselor I met with tried approaches that I couldn’t make work. I tried attending for a few sessions, but realized we were not going to get anywhere. (This was after I couldn’t get to the support group at Harvest, and tried to follow up with someone through my church locally.) And that kind of thing happens – I saw it while working as a PT, sometimes there would be clients that I just clicked with, and sometimes there would be clients that I just seemed to click against. When that happened it was usually best to try to get them to see a different PT in the office. The goal was to do everything you could to help them meet their own goals – it’s OK if that means working with someone else whom they happen to get along with better.
The third example of counseling that did not go well was when I was seeking counsel over a separate issue. I thought that the counselor and I were on the same page, but one of the assignments he gave me to try at home sent me into a tailspin. When I tried to call his office to see if we could chat about it, he was out of town. There was a fill-in counselor from his office available, so I tried contacting them, but they were not able to understand the situation. And sometimes, those things can happen, so that wasn’t a deal breaker.
When we were supposed to meet for our next appointment, he had to reschedule, at the last min. I managed to hang in there until the following session. Then, during the middle of our time, he had a phone call from his wife. He explained that he “always took calls from his wife,” and went ahead and answered it, then carried on the conversation with me still in the room. This struck me as rather unprofessional…it was not something I would do to a client as a PT. There was no opportunity given to make up for the time lost, and it wasn’t a short conversation. At this point, things with this counselor, who was with a respected Christian group, started to really go downhill, at least for me.
I was having a tough time, and I thought that our sessions were making some headway, so I was reluctant to make any changes. But when it was coming close to the time for our next appointment, his office called to request that we re-schedule again. And I threw in the towel. The counselor called to apologize and tried to patch things up – I vaguely recall that there was something going on, or perhaps a series of unfortunate things happening with his car, house, or some such. However, I politely but firmly said that I thought it was best for me to seek assistance elsewhere.
It was difficult to be at a low point and have to fight to make decisions like that – I was not functioning on all cylinders as it was. Yet I’m glad that I still had the capacity to stand up for myself and to find a more reliable source of help. It turned out that I found a Christian counselor through the employee assistance program at work, and he was very helpful in getting me out of the hole I was sinking into.
What might be the “take-aways” for those wondering how to find solid counseling?
One, I think it is important to know yourself in the first place. It is good to give a new counselor a chance – to take time to listen and have a teachable spirit. But it is important to take time to measure what you are getting out of the sessions you’re investing in.
Although you might not be getting instant results, are you gaining insights into areas that need further work?
Is the atmosphere one in which you feel able to grow in, or does it make you feel anxious or tied up? If you’re having difficulty with the counseling, can you share that with the counselor and ask to try a different approach, or to be referred to another person?
Is what you’re discussing making sense? Is it workable, or does it seem far out? Can you ask for more clarity?
Is there mutual respect in the relationship with the counselor? Are they being professional?
Are you doing your best to follow up with assignments given or next steps to take, and are you attending regularly?
Are you being honest with the counselor? With yourself?
These are just some thoughts from my own experience. I hope that some of what I’ve written might be helpful. But I’m sure if you want to learn more you can do a little digging online and find recommendations on finding the right counselor for you through a professional counseling association. Again, I’m thankful that I was able to find excellent help through the years and had positive experiences with counselors the vast majority of the time I worked with them.
A few notes as a postscript:
~ All of this counseling occurred over a period of fifteen years or so. The last time I went to counseling for any reason was about seven years ago.
~ My parents split up when I was about 9 years old, and my brother was 7. Soon after this, my mom took us for a drive one day. We went into a building in a neighborhood I’d never been to before, and climbed the stairs where I read the writing on a glass door – it was a psychologist’s office. “You think we’re crazy?!?” I yelled, a bit loud for the setting.
Communication was not an area of strength in our family, to say the least. It turned out that my mom had been going to counseling for some time, and was concerned about how my brother and I were doing after she and Dad separated. But taking us to counseling as a surprise was not a good tactic. The poor counselor got to sit with my brother and I staring at the floor for a good chunk of time. Then spend time with each of us alone, and for my part I kept a tight grip on my mouth, my mind, everything – very shut down.
He was a fine counselor, but it was tough for him to develop rapport with someone who didn’t know that they were going to be there that day. And it took a good deal of time for me to grow out of that modus operandi and be open to any type of counseling. The Lord happened to put some great people in my life who made a significant dent in that mindset along the way. For example, it came as a shock to find that a great friend and mentor of mine was studying psychology in college. I was rather suspicious of her for several months after finding out what her major was…silly, looking back now of course, but that is where I was.
That “window writing shock” kept me from asking for help for my SSA for a long time. I think I’ve already written about how I was suspicious of any serious help being available – I’d only heard bad stories of negative reinforcement, or bizarre theories or exercises being tried. So that led me to take a very cautious and circumspect approach to getting help from Harvest USA. But what I gained there turned out to be foundational for where I am today.
Elements of Change – Solid Counseling – Part 1
You may well have heard about the closing of Exodus International earlier this year. It came as a surprise to me, although I’d heard an ever-more-confusing message from their leadership for about a year prior to the announcement of their closing down. During that time I’d become more aware of the disconnect between those of us who have experienced some type of satisfaction in seeking change through the ministries affiliated with that network, and those who left disappointed, at times bitterly so.
My exposure to individual ministries within the Exodus network was limited – I did not travel the country, or the world, to see what each one was doing. I did briefly visit one affiliate in Ft. Lauderdale, and knew through attending several national Exodus conferences how some were set up. But, I could not speak to what many other people came across in seeking counseling at other places.
What I did find at Harvest USA was a caring, down-to-earth, humble, open-minded and Biblical approach. I wonder if this was a rarity in the Exodus network as a whole, or if there has been mass miscommunication / misunderstanding, or some other combination of factors that have left people with the impression that seeking change is some kind of joke, or worse? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. Thankfully the counsel I received at Harvest USA was solid, and in this post I’ll write a bit more about that, as well as other counseling I continued to pursue later on. I hope that people will be motivated to give Harvest USA a fair shake, and perhaps help some people to discern more quickly if the counseling they are considering would be worth investing in.
I first came across Harvest USA in a church bulletin (which I still have). There was a note requesting prayer for various ministries that Tenth Presby. Church of Philadelphia supported, and that day in 1991, they mentioned Harvest. I almost jumped out of the balcony w/ joy to see that this church, within walking distance of my college dorm, supported such a thing…that such a thing even existed! After gathering my courage I called and set up an appointment to meet with John Freeman, who was the Director there.
John was a tall man, dressed in a sweater, which fit the cozy wooden trim of the row home where their office was at the time. He had a hint of a Southern accent, with a soft voice that was a great contrast to the nasal tones of most of the surrounding Philadelphians. I was looking for 1:1 counseling with someone there at Harvest, but John was prodding me to try the support group for women that would be kicking off again soon.
“What a stupid idea!” I thought to myself, “Some man must have come up with that format.” To me, putting a bunch of women in a room together to listen to one another’s sob stories was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t want to become more drawn to women than I already was! But, I agreed to try on one condition – that I would be allowed to interview the woman leading the group. If she was really with it, I figured I could buckle down and concentrate and give it a go. John politely agreed to my request. (Months later I learned that meeting with the group leader was a prerequisite for everyone interested in joining the support group…nice one, John.)
Through the years I’ve come to see that some people are gifted at counseling, and I am not one of them. I believe that it takes a lot of restraint, wisdom, and trust in a God who is always working, even when we can’t see Him, to be able to help someone find their own way through the obstacles in their path. The woman leading our small group that year was one of those people. When I came to the first meeting, there were 25 or 30 women crammed into the room. “This is not going to work…too many for a small group,” I thought. Our leader went over some general guidelines, and passed around a paper to sign stating that we would do our best to live up to what she’d outlined.
It may be terribly old-fashioned, but when I sign my name to something, it carries weight. To me, if I don’t follow through on whatever I’ve agreed to with my signature, I feel as though it degrades my name. I want my name to be worth something, to be reliable – or rather, for it to reflect me as someone whose character is trustworthy. So signing that paper sealed it for me…I knew that if I started to drift off course, that I would remember that I signed something staying I’d stay on track. Again, it might seem super corny, but that was a safeguard for my mind.
The next week, there were only about 10 or so women who returned to the group. Someone asked where everyone else was. Our group leader said that the drop-off in attendance happened every year. There was always a large group that seemed interested – some women would say that they wanted help, and came back for just that first meeting every year, then would disappear until the next year. It reminded me of the first year I went out for track at high school. That first week, the large number of girls that were there, stretching out and warming up for our workouts took up almost the entire football field. The second week, less than half returned.
Sometimes it’s the realization that reaching your goals will take actual work that puts people off. In track, our coach would have everyone do a mile long jog around the perimeter of our athletic fields to start off each practice session. The sprinters freaked out – they thought they were going to die before they made it back to the track. And that was just the warm-up! No matter how much they pleaded and begged, the coach insisted that they would and could complete a mile. Eventually, some of them got pretty good at it. I used to tease anyone who came up near me or who passed me that they would have a tough time finishing the rest of their practice if they were going to take on the distance runners in the warm-up. But it was in jest – it was very cool to see the difference a few weeks could make.
Sometimes I think people thought they were ready for the challenge, but inside they actually they were not. There is much to leave behind – and no guarantees of what may be ahead. And for some, they went to the first meeting to see who else might be there, and got together afterwards and laughed about it all. (Why someone would go out of their way to do that, I’ve got no idea.)
So after the group was pared down, we settled into a routine. We’d share how we were feeling and/or what things were going on in our lives that particular week. Then we’d cover a topic and discuss it. Then we’d share things we’d like prayer for and we’d pray together before we left. Pretty basic. The lady leading the group would give us a bunch of hand-outs from a variety of sources – books on codependency, or addiction, or self-discovery type of resources. They had a lot of open-ended questions with plenty of open space to write our thoughts between them. We were free to fill in anything that seemed to hit us where we were at, or to just leave it all blank.
There was no sense of a particular method or formula to follow. The topics we covered ranged from emotions (I.e. – anger) to upbringing (I.e. – relationship with one’s father) to who we knew God to be. Sometimes the topic that week didn’t mean much to me, other times it was very relevant. I loved filling in the questions, just to see what I could learn, and because I’m a nerd. Other women, I learned later, thought the hand-outs were too rudimentary, and got more out of the interactive discussion and prayer time.
One week a lady came in and shared with everyone that she’d had a marvelous affair over the weekend with a beautiful woman, and she didn’t feel bad about it one bit. The rest of the group froze – we looked at one another out of the corners of our eyes. I thought, “Here it comes. Everything here has been comfortable, kind, gracious and loving, but now we’ll see how it will all hit the fan.” I braced myself for the lashing and looked at our group leader. “What were you feeling in the days before that happened?” she asked. “I was feeling great! Before and afterwards!” was the reply. And then…nothing. Our group leader asked her if there was anything else she wanted to share, without a hint of a negative or condescending tone. The woman gave a self-satisfied, “Nope,” and we continued on.
The rest of the meeting that evening, I listened for the catch – I thought that the group leader was saving up for some dig, or jibe – a beautifully constructed guilt trip woven into the topic at hand…but it never came. She just let it go. I couldn’t believe it.
Eventually we came to the end of the discussion and went around the circle to share prayer requests. When it came to the woman who had boasted of her fabulous weekend, she said that she realized that she shouldn’t have done that, and that she was going to break off all future plans with the woman she had been with. And she asked us for prayer. The rest of us in the group froze again – we looked at one another to try to find some hint of how that sudden turn-around came to be. And we looked at the group leader – who did not give a hint of gloating or smugness, nor of great relief – just grace, and peace.
In thinking over this later, I guess that just the fact that the woman came to our group that day showed that there was some kind of tug on her heart, in her mind. Our group leader blew me away in how she let the Lord do His work, and didn’t even hint at trying to force anything on this woman. No manipulation, pleading, contriving – just grace and trusting in the One who knows us best and loves us most.
And that has left a huge impression on me to this day. In the group sessions I learned a ton about the deeper root issues that were woven together in my sexuality. Each week between meetings, I spent time before the Lord going over questions, allowing Him to search my heart and point to the things that needed to be weeded out, or confronted, or forgiven, or that I needed to be willing to trust Him with. I called it “devastating honesty.” But He was always there with me, and for me. It is really important to know that God is by your side, and on your side.
Then I could go to the group and know that I had a safe place to talk through what I was learning, that there would be people there who could be trusted to listen, who cared, and who would pray for me and with me. I’m very thankful that there wasn’t anyone there trying to force-feed a particular theory, or use threats or methods of negative reinforcement. People were free to come and to go. By the end of the year, our group had narrowed down further to about six or so. (Due to transportation issues, or an injury that occurred on vacation, etc.) I did meet one of the ladies in our group a few years later at the 20th Anniversary Banquet for Harvest USA in Philly. She came with her husband and it was great to meet him and to get caught up a bit.
The second year they moved the group to a different location and time, and as the meetings ran after the buses stopped for the evening, I couldn’t attend consistently. There was a different woman leading this group – and she was a tough cookie. But still I saw the trust that the Lord had each person in His hand – and there wasn’t any slacking off when it came to grace. I wish I could have gone the entire year, as I think it might have sped things up for me. But I was able to gather other resources – books, tapes of workshops that had been done at prior Exodus conferences, etc. And I finally had the courage to start talking to my friends, which helped to create a much better atmosphere for growth – where I didn’t feel so alone.
More to come about counseling in Part 2!
Sharp, Sweet, Wild and Holy 